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Men Getting Replaced
Many Reasons Why Men Will Never Be Replaced by Vibrators
Women say men have nothing to fear from sex toys
Modern vibrator technology brings to life the fear that has plagued mankind ever since women learned to refer to “back-massagers” with heavy air quotes: that men will be rendered obsolete by vibrators.
In the fictional world, we can imagine a new line of exceptionally effective sex toys that are released. A new brand, “A billion husbands are about to be replaced.” And, oh, are they ever! Women will line up around the block to get their hands on this groundbreaking pleasure product. They start dishing out insults like, “This hunk of plastic is more of a man than you’ll ever be!” and “Anything a man can do to me, I can do better!” rejected husbands begin papering the streets with “missing” flyers featuring their wives who have absconded with their new lover-toys.
It’s enough to make a penis shake in his briefs. But I’m here to tell peckers everywhere: Fear not, you’ll never be replaced (nor will the men attached to them).
1. Orgasms Aren’t Everything
Sure, a vibrator can offer toe-curling ecstasy, but that’s it. It can’t flirt with you. It won’t make eyes at you from across the bar. You can forget about erotically-charged repartee or scintillating cocktail conversation with a dildo. There will be no feverish make-up sex, because there will be no arguments (although there might be yelling when the batteries run out). A hunk of plastic can’t softly kiss you on your neck or endearingly fumble with the buttons on your blouse. It won’t talk dirty (it only gets dirty, and it never ever cleans itself). And it certainly won’t be any good at post-coital cuddling. Orgasms are nice and all, but it’s all that other stuff that makes sex as sex.
2. Have You Seen a Penis Lately?
Judging from the fact that you’re bothering to read this, you’re probably a heterosexual dude, and as a heterosexual dude living in a puritanical, homophobic society you’re probably like, “ew, penises, gross.” Well, allow me to offer a female perspective: They are gorgeous. Miraculous. Divine. That is what any straight woman who has gotten over her own sexual hang-ups will tell you. I don’t care how many world-class industrial designers you throw at the project of engineering a sleek new sex toy—no vibrator is going to match the aesthetic beauty of an actual dick, and that is a Fact.
3. Have You Ever Heard Someone Suggest That Fleshlights Will Replace Women?
I’m guessing the answer is “hell no.” Why would it be any different with vibrators and men?
4. Vibrators Just Aren’t That Good
As a sex writer, I’m sent fancy new sex toys all the time. This used to be a major perk of the job. Now I realize how much alike they all are. They have nothing of the variety of real, live men—not in terms of looks or moves. Most of mine have ended up in a landfill—the vibrators, not the men.
5. Sex Toys Are Your Friends
A fear of vibrators was maybe understandable back when women were expected to orgasm from penetration alone. But these days, we all recognize that most women need some manual assistance too, right? That isn’t an insult to your carnal abilities; it’s just basic biology. So instead of thinking of vibes as a replacement for men, think of them as a tool for better-partnered sex. I’ve seen particularly enlightened men even boast of their Hitachi-wielding skills. There’s nothing manlier than a guy who isn’t threatened by a fake phallus.
6. Its Hardness Doesn’t Even Mean Anything
A hard dick tells us that we’re turning you on—and that turns us on. We like to know how our naked bodies and carefully executed gyrations are being received, and a boner is your penis’s version of a round of applause. There’s nothing like some positive reinforcement to get us to relax and get into the mood. And guess what? A vibrator is always hard. Who needs that kind of false praise!
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