Intimacy doesn't always mean sex
"Our souls crave intimacy"—Erwin Raphael McManus
Sometimes singles will do just about anything to get close to someone they find interesting, intriguing or just plain irresistible.
One single woman I know drives through Starbucks daily to get her dose of caffeine. One morning as she approached the speaker to order, she noticed that the man in the truck in front of her looked very attractive. She eyed him through his rear view mirror. Wow! Handsome! Hmmm. . . I wonder if he's single. In a split second she made a plan.
"Hi. Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get started for you today?"
"Well to start, can you do something for me? Will you ask the guy in front of me if he's available?"
"You mean the guy in the truck? Suuuuuure. I'd love to. What else can I do for you?"
After she ordered her half-pump, no whip, soy, Venti mocha, she laughed at herself and thought, What in the world have I done?
Have you ever felt stalled in your sex life? That your libido has suddenly left the building? Or that the obstacles in your erotic life were just too big for you to feel turned on the way you want to feel turned on? Have you ever felt that you were simply not “made” for sex? Or have had health challenges or life changes that have put your libido in the backseat? Or maybe you have never really “felt it.”
You are not alone.
What is true for all of us, is at some point in our erotic lives we will struggle. The kicker is that we get to choose how we handle that struggle and I believe that we all have the power to have an incredibly, delicious erotic life. I have created a list of ways you can overcome your challenges and change how you approach your sexuality and move those obstacles. We can stay stuck or we can figure out how to move the obstacles that are holding you back from a rich and satisfying sex life. Everyone deserves have an erotically rich and pleasure filled life.
1. Permission Sex.
So many of us simply do not create the space or the time for sex. We avoid it. Somehow we don’t give pleasure a seat at the table. Try giving yourself permission to explore sex, and do something that permissions sexual pleasure in your life. It can be simple, like allowing yourself look through a sex toy catalog and invite some fantasy into your life.
2. Do Something Challenging Around Sex
It’s often the scary stuff and that will push as onto another plane when it comes to sexuality. I talk to women all day long that tell me that they are “not ready yet” to try this or that. No one is ever ready. It’s the people who try new things, that they think they are not ready for — that push their limits that create change in their erotic lives. If you can do this, nothing will make you feel more unstoppable than revealing to yourself that you are capable of far more than you ever imagined.
3. Build A Team
I love saying that “teams are my jam”. Success is a team sport. No one does it alone, so don’t try and be the first person in the world to do so. Having a great dynamic sex life does not come naturally. Sex requires skills that we are simply not taught. Find sex educators, sexuality consultants and a sex positive community to work together with to support you on your journey.
4. Celebrate Your Successes
We tend to focus on where we are not happy or where we felt failure in all aspects of our lives. We do the same thing with sex and body image issues. Practice celebrating your pleasure breakthroughs. Talk about them. Journal about them. Notice them and feel good about yourself.
5. Stop Calling Yourself Names
We all tell ourselves stories about who we are erotically and how other people see us. Most of the time, these are not happy stories. We are way more comfortable calling ourselves names than saying anything positive about ourselves. Mostly we talk to others about our “stuckness” rather than our victories. This kind of self talk is not sexy and very dis-empowering. Try telling new stories about yourself, your body and your sexuality. Notice how hard it is to say positive and empowering things about your body and your sexuality. It takes practice. Please practice.
6. Move Your Body
Your sexuality lives in your body not just your brain. Try the Lotus Lift Meditation recently featured in O Magazine and watch my video on how moving your pelvis can wake up or erotic self.
7. Seek Out Sexual Adventure
Everyone has a bucket list. But what is your sexual bucket list? Write down a list of all the sexual adventures that you really want to experience in your life. Now you have a plan. Enlist your team in helping you get there. Having a goal, like I really want to experience an orgasm, gives us something to focus on.
8. Imagine What It Would Be Like to Be Someone Else
Sometimes, it can really help us move forward if we can look at the people around us that inspire us. I love imagining that I am Mae West. She was an incredible sexual revolutionary. And when I am in tough spot around my sexuality, sometimes I wonder “What would Mae West do?” I know, this one may sound silly, but Mae West has helped me through and over some of my relationship and sexuality obstacles. So the next time you are feeling stuck in your sexuality — imagine what someone you admire might do you in your situation. And then try it. There are lots of ordinary people that have stories about how they changed their erotic lives. Maybe, there is something in one of their stories for you? Finding inspiration in others that achieved change in their sexuality and relationships can be very inspiring.
9. Dress The Part
It’s hard to feel sexy in sloppy clothing. Everyday I wear “intentional clothing.” I wear clothing that intentionally supports me in feeling sexy. Practice embodying a posture of sexual confidence everywhere you go. Do you want to feel sexy? Try dressing the part.
10. Use Confident Sexy Language
If everyday you talk about low libido, you will most likely feel low libido. There have been so many studies that point to how the language we use influences our state of being. Use words that are sexy and uplifting. Discard the talk about lack of desire and try using empowering language. Replace “Sex toys don’t work for me” with “I am curious about this new vibrator, I just heard about.”
11. Be Curious About Sex
Ask questions that invite you to explore your sexuality like “What if I went to this workshop?”, “What if I asked my partner about playing with ropes?”, “How can I try this new sex toy?” How we talk to ourselves and ask ourselves questions about sex is really important. It can totally frame our point of view.
12. Schedule Change
This is my favorite quote ever about overcoming obstacles. Tony Robbins says “If you talk about it, it’s a dream, if you envision it, it’s possible, but if you schedule it, it’s real.” You will never be ready. Put it on the calendar and figure out how you are going to do it afterwards. Schedule it.